i made a new blog, but i accidentally made two and now i cant delete the old one and ERGH. ps the url is www.ihavetwocats.tumblr.com if you were interested which you probably are because im really good.

giveintothefire:

(via hotmadeinspain)

Oh hello!

 ok i am in love with this.

• a device which could somehow think of the word you are thinking of, or what you were about to say but forgot. it’s weird how when you forget what you wanted to say it feels like the most important thing in the world but was really only some mundane piece of shit when you remember, like hey do you have a hairband?
• time travel, i reckon you should have 3 opportunities to go back like 15 minutes in your life. would cause so many logistical problems but would also solve so many.
• accio. i KNOW i can get up and manually change the channel but it just doesnt really seem feasible from here in this warm bed.
• a device which could project thoughts onto something, itd be freaky as shit and embarrassing too, especially cos youd be like DONT THINK ABOUT SEX damnit i thought about sex, dont think about that person naked DAMNIT etc.
• an anti ageing cream that actually worked. not because i want to rid myself of crows feet (yet), but because im sick of all these different brands claiming to be the new breakthrough in skin technology derived from avocado root or some bullshit. obviously if there was a working one EVERYONE would be like whoah this works and youd hear about it, ffs ladies.
• an in built camera to record your life. ok so i figure; you have fun for about 40 years right? and we will probably live to be around 90 yep? so if you have 40 years worth of footage, everyone would just reserve the last 50 years (cmon youd just be sitting watching dr phill hating your spouse or getting spoon fed anyway) to re watch their life. you could pause, for when you want to actually watch dr phill, fast forward the time that you flashed mrs riley or rewind the time dash blew up a condom on her head, and just reflect properly on your life.
• a boy who can sing who likes me and i can stand.
• 

VVFS was first discovered by lexi and matt egan and is successfully ruining two generations of ATAR results. watch all of them then quote bits at me irl.

p.s. do not be deterred by the inclusion of the word ‘fail’ in the title of the above vid.

unfortunately, i own 5 only 5 school shirts. of these 5, 1 of them is too small for me. im no pamela, though this shirt seems to pull particularly in the chest region. on the one day a week i wear this shirt, i am prone to occasional wardrobe malfunctions, when my top button ceases to perform its function of keeping my breasts covered. this always seems to happen at the most awkward times.

the last time i was wearing said shirt, i was pulled out of class by mrs riley to talk about an assessment task. throughout the conversation mrs riley was maintaining constant eye contact, which i put down to the fact that mrs riley is an unusually eye-contacty person. this however appeared not to be the case, as i was walking from the hall back into the classroom i felt particularly cold in the chest region. as i looked down i realised to my dismay that my funbags were well and truelly visible throughout the entire of the encounter. mrs riley would have had to be blinder than stevie wonder after a bottle of absinthe to have not noticed, and this remains only the second most embarrassing moment of my week.

the winner of this prize occurred on the weekend, when i was forced to go to my great aunt’s 89th birthday. it is rare that i am at gatherings with my dads side of the family so i was keen to go and make a good impression and hopefully be accepted as a born again randall. this was not to be, however, when my dads cousin suggested i ‘go and say happy birthday to my great aunt’ and gestured towards the end of the table. thinking that doing this on my own would prove i was mature and sociable, i walked to the end of the table and hugged my great aunt berryl and loudly wished her a happy birthday and told her she looked great. it was at this stage that from the middle of the table my second cousin reminded me that it was in fact my great aunt dorothy’s birthday party, on beryls right. whilst i should have explained that i knew exactly who both of these women were and merely got whos birthday it was mixed up, i proceeded to blush mumble and then get my dress caught on a chair on my way back to the caramel slice.

:S

the first caveman to discover that pulmice stone ground down callouses was the first metro guy ever.

i think you know you have matured when;

1. you dont giggle at the word ‘pianist’ in conversation. not even internally.
2. you can listen to am radio for an extended period of time
3. you do not have a floordrobe
4. you dont draw in the fog on car windows or in the shower
5. you dont need to make up an excuse if you just really dont feel like drinking that night
6. you never press the snooze button
7. you dont notice when shops are giving out free baloons
8. you are more than happy to sit 8 km under the speed limit
9. you stand up and walk to the bin rather than basketball shoot it from where youre sitting
10. you own something beige

the most important document i have ever owned, as it undeniably proves that my mother is / was at some point actually insane.

‘mifanwy’- a name probably created from a cat falling asleep on a typewriter. mum defends this abomination by claiming ‘its welsh! you’d get called miffy, thats cute!’. Im not welsh. nobody in my family is welsh. the only welshman i know is john. as for ‘miffy’, i am highly skeptical that if i had a name that included all the syllables ‘my fan wee’ i would get off so lightly…

‘poppy’- really? poppy? somehow this name reminds me of an enid blighton book, where all the girls wore skirts, hung out in meadows and nobody laughed at people called ‘dick’ and ‘fanny’.

‘max’- this was on the girls side, not short for maxine. i actually kind of like this, but coupled with my current personality, i may as well get myself a motorbike and a tattoo of my life partners name on my leather vest framed torso.

‘rose’- would only be funny if a) i had a friend called jack b) i ever lost my voice or c) froze to death.

on the boys side was ‘conrad’ with the most votes, but every time i hear that name i think of cormorants, the fishing birds. then i think of that kid out of the cat in the hat, the fat one with the lisp, THE WORST KIND OF KID.

tbh i think i got off lightly with some made up name like lexi… its in goon so it must be alright.

about how he used to date this girl who once took her top off when drunk. his friends noticed she had ‘little hairs around her nipples’ and proceeded to ridicule the girl for a considerable amount of time. years later, they housesat for her and wrote on the wall of her bathroom ‘dianne ripps the hairs out of her chest and uses them to stab rats’.

just realised my ‘indie pictures’ consist of my friends with hairy thighs, some feet, harry potter cats and an african man with an ipod.

am i doing it wrong?

hey kate, ya missed a spot luv.

so many after me hey.

no but really, why do birds when youre driving towards them, look at you for a while, then when they register that a) youre not stopping and b) youre driving a big birdcrushing clump of metal they are dangerously close and WADDLE ACROSS THE ROAD. they do that awkward run that you do when youre wearing your school bag, are they unaware that they are equipped with extremities that facilitate BEING AIRBORNE?

dash while talking to us on the side of a large mountain, started to slide backwards in the snow. unable to stop herself she adopted a position where she was looking through her knees down the mountain while her hands (stocks long discarded) desperately clawed at the snow in an attempt to slow her descent. gathering speed she bravely attempted a backwards ‘pizza’ which just altered her direction to the steepest part of the mountain where she ultimately was only stopped when she collided with the ski lift line, tangeling herself and others in the ropes and knocking over small children and various families, before trudging off.

at infomercials quite often.  in particular, the ads that are selling some contraption that makes some every day and usually quite managable activity slightly easier. they display how difficult brushing your teeth manually is with a harrowed woman with frizzy hair in black and white slamming her toothbrush back into the basin in frustration. THERE MUST BE AN EASIER WAY?!?!?!